By Tom Ferrick Jr.

How's this for a happy tableau:

The long-awaited hearing before a state Liquor Control Board examiner took place last week on an application to open a mega-strip bar at the corner of 13th and Locust Streets.

The building is vacant now, but the plan calls for what will likely be a Gold Club, a la the Atlanta Gold Club.

You may have read about the Atlanta operation in the papers. The owner, Steve Kaplan, recently pleaded guilty to federal racketeering charges. Among other things, Kaplan provided girls to perform sex with famous athletes, including . . ..

Here we draw the veil, and return to Philadelphia . . ..

The owner of the 12,000-square-foot building on Locust can't get to the hearing. He's too busy working. On the bench, as a Philadelphia judge.

That would be Frank Palumbo Jr. of Municipal Court.

One of the lawyers for the club is the son of a city councilman. That would be Christian DiCicco, Esq.

He is not at this hearing, but his father, Frank, sends an aide to read a letter saying the councilman is opposed to the club. (This should make for interesting father-son chats.)

The applicant is Pat DeMone, who owns the nearby Signatures strip bar, along with his partner . . ..

Well, there's some confusion about this partner issue. A guy has been going around town for months saying he'll be running the new club.

That would be Lyle Goodman . . ..

Under indictment

But this is not good, insofar as the LCB is concerned, because Lyle is under indictment in Atlanta for his alleged role in the shenanigans at the Gold Club there.

So, Lyle is not in the room on this particular day. He is pacing outside.

Oh, did I mention? The LCB hearing examiner is a Democratic ward leader. That would be Tim Savage of the 23d Ward.

Is this a great city or what? Every day I say a prayer of thanksgiving that I am not doing a column in Iowa. What would I be writing about? "Early Frost Imperils Pumpkin Crop."

Speaking of pumpkins, there is City Council.

In a vote Thursday, it passed Bill 629, a pet project of DiCicco pere. The bill would prohibit all but neighbors who live next to a project from challenging zoning decisions in the courts.

Right now, any taxpayer has standing. The anti-billboard group SCRUB has used this provision to successfully challenge court billboard decisions made by the Zoning Board of Adjustment, the five-member board that rules on zoning matters in Philly.

Most of the talk about Bill 629 has centered on the billboard issue, but it has much broader implications.

In fact, unless Mayor Street vetoes the bill, the 13th and Locust deal may turn out to be the first big case to come under the provisions of Bill 629.

Step one

Even if the LCB grants a liquor license, that is only Step One.

DeMone and company also have to get a permit from the ZBA. Let's step forward in time to the day the ZBA holds its hearing.

The group that has fought the Gold Club project hardest is the East of Broad Improvement Association, headed by the feisty Ruthanne Madway.

Would it have standing? My bet is it would be challenged by Gold Club lawyers. East of Broad, you see, is composed of merchants and landlords. Such groups are specifically denied standing by Bill 629.

The Washington Square West Civic Association opposes the project, too. Would it have standing? I say: Yes. It is the local community group.

But would Society Hill, Chinatown, the Center City Residents Association or other adjoining civic groups have standing? No, no and no. Under Bill 629, they are considered "outsiders."

If the ZBA ruled in favor of the permit, those groups would be forbidden to appeal the decision to the courts.

The last thing the pols want is some judge coming in and mucking up a deal by ruling it illegal.

To its backers, that is the beauty of 629. It assures that the law cannot trump the deal.

Am I suggesting that the Gold Club will be the subject of some backroom deal? Heaven forfend, no!

Where do you think this is? Iowa?